Doing death differently
Nicola Hill, Gentle Blooms, Warwickshire
I am a flower farmer and eco-florist. While learning about funeral flowers I've been inspired by people like Carole Patilla, co-founder of The Farewell Flowers Directory, and I've learned so much about matters surrounding death and dying.
Nicola and her mum enjoying a delphinium display
My lovely Mum was very ill for a long time and when we knew the end was in sight, I talked to her about her death and funeral. It was important to me find out more about her wishes as I find some aspects of traditional funerals upsetting. I wanted her to know about the options open to her and for her to make an informed decision. Although Mum always thought she wanted to be cremated, when she learned how bad cremation is for the environment, and how toxic the remaining ashes are, she was really happy to choose a burial.
Making informed decisions about funeral details
I knew about a local natural burial ground, Sun Rising, because I've supplied compostable funeral flowers for burials there and am one of their recommended local florists. I asked Mum if she would like to visit and we went on a lovely day to look at the options. The staff were really welcoming and sensitively explained everything. My mum liked the idea of being buried in the wildflower meadow and the fact that my Dad could reserve a plot next to her. Obviously we decided that I would do her flowers – she knew I’d do a good job. She was clear that the “afters” shouldn’t be in a pub as she “didn’t want dad getting drunk with all his boozy bowls mates!”, so she loved Sun Rising's beautiful barn which could be used for both the service and wake. We went away happy that we’d made decisions and Mum then filled in a form making all her funeral wishes clear.
Choosing funeral suppliers without a funeral director
My mum was a fighter, and more than a year later, the day I never wanted to come came and we needed to think about her funeral. The practicalities of this were made easier as we knew what Mum wanted. Dad and I therefore went back to Sun Rising and, with the help of Emma and Liberty, we chose a plot with a beautiful view in the wildflower meadow. They also helped us pick a humanist celebrant who they knew would suit us, the wonderful Pat Winslow. With Pat, we talked about my mum and helped create her eulogy. It was good to feel that the ceremony was completely in our control – we could change anything we didn’t feel was right. Pat was also on standby to read our tributes if we felt overwhelmed on the day.
Sun Rising not only offer burial plots, but they also collected Mum from the hospital, looked after her and helped us make arrangements. All this meant that we didn’t need a funeral director.
For the coffin, we ordered a beautiful, locally made, willow coffin woven by Caz at Wild Heart Coffins. A date was set and it was lovely to know that that there would be at least three hours between Mum’s funeral and anyone else’s – unlike the 45 minute slots at the crematorium. I knew also that this would give me plenty of time to decorate the long barn beforehand.
All that then remained was for Dad and I to choose a caterer and we plumped for an afternoon tea – no booze!
Nicola’s flowers, and those grown by her mum in her own garden, decorated the woven casket for this natural burial service
Intense grey skies had loomed over us for two weeks before the day of the funeral, but when it arrived, the sun shone. My friends helped me gather foliage and make the flowers and decorate the barn. People began to arrive and everyone sat and waited for Mum.
I'd decorated her coffin with an ivy garland and placed flowers on top. I used lots flowers that I'd grown myself, some roses from her garden and some British grown flowers from Cornwall which included blue delphiniums, her favourite colour.
She arrived in a hearsette, an estate car adapted to carry a coffin. Myself, my husband Jon and our 2 teenage sons, Ed and Ozzy, had chosen to be her bearers because it just felt right for us to look after Mum. We removed her from the hearsette (with directions from the experts) and placed her on the bier – a wooden cart for transporting coffins. Then we carried her into the barn to a soundtrack of her favourite songs, compiled by my son.
Nicola’s sons with their beloved Nana
Creating a personalised farewell service
Pat, our funeral celebrant, did a wonderful job and I read a very bad poem I'd written, which I knew Mum would have loved. My aunt told us all about their childhood and my eldest son spoke fondly about his beloved Nana. After the eulogies, it was time for us to take her to be buried. Guests remained in the barn for refreshments while we, the family bearers, carried her out to the bier. Myself and my son wheeled her about 200m to her grave: he kept going too fast, so I was mostly there to act as a human brake! Emma from Sun Rising told us exactly what to do and where to go. I had been a little worried about how that would feel to actually lower mum into the grave, but it just felt right. I was surprised when she came to rest about 3 feet down as I'd expected the grave to be deeper and thought she had got stuck - but Emma was on hand to tell us it was all OK. Pat said some beautiful words and then came the hardest part - saying goodbye. We all had a sprig of rosemary to place in the grave and her flowers were buried with her. It was hard to leave her side but we headed back to the barn to see our friends and family and where there were tears, laughter and a wonderful afternoon tea with coronation chicken sandwiches and lemon drizzle cake – my mum’s favourites.
Everyone said how beautiful the natural burial ground was and we left as the sun was setting over Mum's grave.
Mum's grave was filled immediately after we left the graveside. At Sun Rising, there are no headstones but you are given a precise location for the plot and there are posts with memorial plaques. You can also choose to be buried under a tree. When the plots at Sun Rising are all full, it will become a nature reserve. It's a wonderful place to visit and holds days when you can plant wild flower plugs. It's open to visitors 365 days a year and you can return whenever you like. I went back the next day. I just felt I wanted to go, to count the exact number of steps to her grave, to check Mum was OK and to leave her some flowers. There was nobody else there and the trees were full of birds and birdsong.
Creating funerals that bring comfort
In my will I had written that I didn’t want a funeral – maybe just a gathering of friends. But my Mum’s funeral was so comforting and healing I am going to change my mind. It is unlikely that I will be buried at the same site – Sun Rising expects its remaining plots to be full in 10-15 years time and you have to be a certain age to reserve one. I am so grateful that I knew that this was an option for Mum.
There are lots of wonderful people and places doing death differently and there are so many options and choices. My advice is talk to your loved ones and to think about your death and theirs. Talk about how you want it to be. My experience has shown me it can be a positive experience and I hope that sharing it gives you some inspiration.
Nicola is an RHS CHelsea floristry gold medallist and she runs Gentle Blooms in Leamington Spa, Warwickshire.
Sustainability and care for the environment is at the heart of her business and she creates very personal funeral flowers for clients in her local area.
More information and resources
Find out about choices for more eco-friendly funerals from The Natural Death Centre